Quote of the Day: Non-plumbers need not apply! – Author – Me – when I write my ad. for my next husband.
(toilet graveyard where I’d like to retire these useless contraptions!)
I just spent the past half hour plunging my toilet. It’s still not flowing freely. Ugh, and double yuck, Ugh! What is it with boys and toilets?! And, why don’t toilets flush it down like they used to? Between the low-flow enviro-friendly toilets (not so friendly to MY enviro), and the flimsy plungers that turn inside out at the critical moment, or worse yet, splash back at-ya, I’m up to my ankles in overflow! It’s like I’m giving the toilet CPR – press 1*2*3 breath, repeat. Still, not responding.
So, I’m ready to apply for a city license to dig a hole and build an outhouse. Really, take the crap back outside where it belongs. Talk about enviro-friendly! I can’t think of a better way to “go green!” No more stink. No more clogs. No more splash on my jammies and slippers because you know it all happens at bedtime, and if I don’t declog before I fall asleep, sure enough that will be the night that I wake up to pee.
I wonder if mothers put up a little stink of their own when their husbands came home with the brilliant plan to bring the outhouse inside.
“What?!” she might have exclaimed. “I don’t want that stuff in my house.”
“It’s the new thing, honey,” he says. “Everyone who’s anyone is taking out the pantry and putting in the potty.”
“I have to give up canning space for a toilet hole?” she says, baby on hips, broom in hand.
“It will be better,” he says. “You won’t have to put on your boots and coat to do your daily business.”
“I like my privacy,” she exclaims. “Especially at night – the door’s shut, the moon’s full, it’s peaceful and quiet.”
“I thought you’d like having the facilities right beside the kitchen. Wouldn’t interrupt your work at all. It’s my way of pampering YOU,” he says.
She frowns. She knows better. He’s the one who doesn’t want to put his boots on and step out in the cold. He and the kids used to take the Sears catalog out there to read and wipe, now they’d be sitting all day in the warm house, next to the kitchen, taking their old sweet time getting off the pot, reading every article in The New York Times.
Good Lord, she thinks. What will they come up with next? Portable telephones so you can’t even get groceries without a call for help finding a clean pair of underwear?
Journaling Prompt: Are there any “advancements” in our culture that create more hassle than help for you?
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Okay, had a lotta fun with this one. Finally got-er declogged around 11:30 pm. Can go to sleep now – no worries of a midnight overflow!
Mary, my blog list didn’t update you so I almost missed this, but I laughed out loud at this line: “Take the crap back outside where it belongs.” I am really seeing the “daughter of a farmer” thing coming out in you and it is truly refreshing! You definitely have got this blogging thing down. The dialogue between the husband and wife? It was as if I were right there. I can’t wait for your book to be published, and no, I haven’t forgotten about your chapter. Soon. Even sooner now that I’ve read this. 🙂
ha! Awesome post Mary! And YES, there’s something about boys and toilet clogging. We had to invest in a toilet snack. Nasty disgusting (insert gag here). I’ve threatened to make my boys crap in the woods on many a occassion. If you have a minute, go to my blog and read on eariliest post (on this subject) called The Legend of The Poop Knife. It’s a little rough, but worth a good laugh!
Thanks, FranticMommy, will check out your toilet tales!
Roxane, ya know what they say, “You can take the girl off the farm, but you can’t take the farm outa the girl!”
I miss the pantries, definitely. Our first house had an amazing walk-in pantry. What a great storage space. Now we’re pretty cramped with mere kitchen cabinets. Isn’t it funny, though, how technology is supposed to ease and simplify life, yet is seems like it often makes it more complicated. Great story 🙂
You hit the poop on the head with this post! Happy you got all un-clogged (do you have an auger, about $35.00 at Home Depot…plumbers here charge $75.00 to come with their augers…if I can manage one, anyone can…instructions work!) Like Joanne said, I miss the pantries. Sigh. Seems like the easier it’s supposed to get, the more complicated it gets, veeerrrry frustrating!
Ha! That was great!
But seriously, I remember unfondly of needing to use an outhouse on a camping trip and being sure I’d trip over a skunk on the way, or get attacked by some mystery thing like in the Blair Witch Project. It took like an hour to calm down enough to go back to sleep after my careful creep to the facilities.
Thanks for the tip on the augers. Sometimes it’s like they flushed an orange down there!
I know that the outhouse experience was/is not always pleasant. But, some people spiffed them up with paint or porches or pictures from magazines.
One woman said that all these modern “conveniences” just made expectations for perfection harder for women.